My Story in Several Parts (for NoComLeavMo)

Like a good NoComLeavMo participant (read tired mom who agreed to participate in this wonderful idea and wants nothing more than to finish her 5 commenting obligations and go to bed)  I was reading a post on http://becomingadifferentperson.wordpress.com/ when I saw that some folks had decided it would be helpful to have a brief summary of our story appear on our blog so that it would be easier to follow along.

I have decided to try and accomplish this task over the next several posts (read I really want to go to bed!)

In the Beginning –

The high cost of homes in our area, where we had lived for the past several years, was the main reason that we moved. The desire to be closer to my family, specifically my two nieces, affectionately known as the Genius and the Funny One, was a close second.

We moved into our 1950s style ranch, typical of this part of the city  We were home.  We quickly unpacked and settled in.  We had three bedrooms:  one for us, one for the dog, our beagle, and the middle room which we converted into an office.  Deep down, we hoped that this room would become the nursery one day soon.

I was stuck in the middle of the mess that has been my life since February, 2003.  My plan for parenthood felt infuriatingly stagnant some days, even when my husband, my unwavering partner in all of this, assured me that we were making progress towards our goal of parenthood. Yet, somehow I still felt firmly planted in the day-to-day muck of endless early morning doctor appointments and emotional outbursts which seem to happen at the most inopportune of times.  There were also the good days when I feel so hopeful and excited about what our life will be like in its next phase.  What kind of parents will we be?

A story usually has a beginning, middle, and an end.  Do the characters really know that?  For them it is always the middle.  A sentence without a period has no end, so it must always be in the middle.  My story, started without a period.  So even my beginning was a middle.  Are you confused yet?  I certainly was.  I spent the better part of 2 ½ years confused.  Confused about our reasons for wanting to become parents.  Confused about why we continued to pursue treatments when we had no guarantee of success.  Confused about how we would love an adopted child.  Confused about how we could manage to function in a world where we have lost all sense of control.  There were times when I was confused about simply being confused!  Sometimes I joked about the moments and situations that have made up my infertility journey and then I realized that these things were happening to me.  Sadly, at times I didn’t even recognize myself.

Often I wondered about the person I used to be before I viewed the world through this crazy filter called infertility.